Blog 06-29-2010

Blog 06-29-2010

Woke up early again today and still feeling very tired. I have no energy and not having a good state of mind. My decision making is off line. Which makes it hard for Rachael and I am so sorry for making it harder for her. She deserves much better than having to take care of me. I am just stubborn and think I can do it by myself. I just keep praying that the Lord will give me the strength and energy I need to help Rae. Since starting Clinical Dialysis it has been a hard transition from home hemodialysis. The reason I changed is because I was missing things during and after the dialysis. This morning while making breakfast I fell for no reason, just lost my balance and fell. Maybe it is time to look into assisted living, taking the burden of Rachael. This is a decision I need to talk to her about and ask the Lord for guidance. It is strange that the first six years on dialysis was a peace of cake. I did everything myself, had the energy, the stamina. It went well. This time around I have had so many problems and it has weighed heavy on my families life. I am at a loss. Talked to the doctors today during dialysis, they are upping EPOETIN which should help but they did that Saturday. I still felt tired and listless. I feel lost and abandoned. Please Lord intervene I really need you healing and grace.

God Bless

Bear

blog 06-28-2010

Blog 06-28-2010

I woke up very early today, 4:30 am, I did not get enough sleep last night even though I was very tired yesterday. But of course I did not say anything to Rachael, I just feel like I am not a good father showing weakness and not able to do my part of parenting. She had to take the kids with her to work which is okay but not a right thing to do. I have such a hard time talking to her about my failings, It is my macho up bringing. No matter what, the Father should be the stoic and always there. The problem is at times I am not even able to get out of bed. Not looking forward to clinical dialysis, it takes so much out of me. The first six years of dialysis before the Kidney transplant was not as bad as it has been this time around. I lost the transplant after five years, the usual time for a cadaver kidney. I will go into much more info about transplants another time. I just want to let everyone who reads this blog what I am feeling and going through. I ask for prayer so the Lord can intervene quickly in my behalf.

Godbless

Bear

blog 06-27-2010

The blog starts today.

Sunday 27, 2010.

Today I woke up off kilter. When I say that my body is not here but still here. My concentration is off, my body hurts and aching. I have medications that can combat that, but they have side effects, like making me feel stupid and not attentive. With the kids I am not able to take these meds. I am not able to concentrate on taking care of them. I am afraid that something horrible will happen if I take them with the kids around. Some of my main concern is that this sluggish feeling not able to concentrate, is taking it's toll on Rachael. I am so fortunate, which I do not express enough to her, that I am lucky to have her around to take care of me. Rachael is saying that it is depression and it does not allow me to enjoy the day that I am capable of. Especially with the boys, they and I are missing out on a lot of time together that I cannot get back. I am going to talk to the Doctors and Nurses tomorrow at dialysis and see if they can prescribe something to let me get up and just have the energy and positive attitude. But I do not want to say that prayer does not come into it. I continue to ask the Lord for spiritual healing. For He is going to allow me to be energetic Parent and person. It is not a good feeling not able to get up a stairs or even to go outside and take the boys to swim.

Blog 06-26-2010

06-26-2010

I am starting this blog to let anyone who wants to read this blog, how it feels to be a dialysis patient. But it is also to inform those how it is important to know what I need. One is prayer, without it nothing can happen without the Lord. Let me proceed, I have the blood type O positive. I am presently on the transplant list and waiting patiently for a cadaver kidney. Which means that someone had to die and has given permission to use their body parts for transplant. You would be surprised how many people die and not give the gift of organs. It really changes someones life when given the chance for a transplant. I personally have known a very good friend that passed away waiting for a heart, but he passed away before he could be given that gift of a heart. This next statement is hard for me to ask. I am only able to have a kidney transplant with the same blood type(O+), here is what I am asking, if anyone that reads this blog is the same blood type and feels moved to give a miraculous gift of a kidney please let me know. I know it is a lot to ask, please pray on the decision, this is not a decision to take lightly. The Lord has moved me to bring this forth and hopefully he will have a hand in it.

God Bless

Bear